In other news, user Tween Hobo coined our favorite term for potential companions: "Slang term for a girl who you date because she's smart: your 'thinkpiece.'" Anyone out there looking for a girlfriend, take note.
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Just did interview in the car and journalist asked my best friend for words to describe me. Literally all she could think of was "foodie"
— Ellie Goulding (@elliegoulding) January 13, 2014tell me, are the number of seconds between when you finish lunch and when you think "i need chocolate" > or < 10
— Emily Fleischaker (@emofly) January 13, 2014You know mailer-daemon? It's just Matt Damon, you guys. He gets all your emails and then sends them back if he doesn't like the content.
— Lindsay (@quintywinties) January 13, 2014My phone doesn't have any sexy pics it's mostly just puppies, food and Ron Swanson
— Angela Wheezy (@CarpeAngela) January 13, 2014I refer to my work cubicle as "the sigh-gap."
— Ann Trollter (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 14, 2014a selfy a day keeps the deep nagging fear that maybe you dont actually exist and none of this is real away
— Amber Eeeeeee (@rare_basement) January 14, 2014You know you're a web editor when every time someone says "traffic" it never occurs to you they could be talking about, like, cars.
— Amy Odell (@amyodell) January 14, 2014Birth control pills, but to prevent wisdom teeth.
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) January 15, 2014Unknotting headphones is my stress relief
— Jacquie Lee (@jacquieleemusic) January 15, 2014The worst part about looking at these fraudulent charges on my credit card is also seeing how much I spent on beef jerky.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) January 15, 2014Instagram's direct message feature should be called Don't Open It OH GOD WHY DID YOU OPEN IT
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) January 15, 2014I'm starting to panic about not having a panic attack today
— Toxic Probably (@ToxicProbably) January 15, 2014Sorry you can't participate in throw back thursday because you were an ugly baby
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) January 16, 2014Slang term for a girl who you date because she's smart: your "thinkpiece"
— Tween Hobo (@TweenHobo) January 16, 2014Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) January 17, 2014listening to Joni Mitchell and sharpening my knives
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 17, 2014If I should only eat one a day, don't make them gummy and delicious. Vitamins shouldn't be an aspect of life that requires self control.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) January 15, 2014I wore 4” heels for 9 and a half hours today. Still not dropping a surprise album in the middle of the night, but you know. Baby steps.
— Ella Ceron (@ellaceron) January 17, 2014Phone just autocorrected "torture" to "torturgasm." I'm frightened.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) January 14, 2014My dog cannot believe how many treats I give myself over the course of an evening.
— Sarah Heyward (@shinyunicorn) January 16, 2014Don't get too excited if I say we're soulmates I am also soulmates with meatballs and a very soft stray cat with one eye
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) January 13, 2014My husband says listening to Luther Vandross all day is making me weird, but I think he's just jealous of my new red velvet suit.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) January 15, 2014Power hour? Beer pong? Are you kidding me? Those aren't drinking games. A REAL drinking game would be "Let's Give Each Other Drunk Haircuts"
— Amber (@Amburglar_) January 15, 2014